St. Louis Business Journal
How to handle criticism

By Anna Navarro

January 2001 - How do you handle negative feedback when you are feeling hurt, scared and angry?

That's the problem Angela faced. Her boss had walked into her office the day before and had loudly and tactlessly told her the report she had just delivered was full of flaws. He proceeded to enumerate them and then stomped out of her office.

Angela had worked late under difficult circumstances (including a malfunctioning computer) to get the job done. Her boss had dumped the report on her at the last minute, with an impossible deadline and not much detailed explanation of exactly what he wanted.

She'd done her honest best and was angry that he failed to recognize her effort and hard work. She was also worried because the company was having financial difficulties and recently had laid off several people. She was concerned she might be next.

Her mind and emotions were a painful jumble when she walked into my office.

I started by acknowledging her wisdom in NOT reacting to her boss in the moment. Though she was feeling very defensive and was tempted to counter attack during the episode she'd managed to keep her mouth shut. That was a very good move. If she'd responded in kind it would have kept the destructive cycle going. I admired her restraint and told her so.

But she didn't know what to do next. The mere thought of her boss made her want to scream and throw things.

The first thing Angela needed to do was detach from the situation and see it objectively - a tall order given her boss's behavior. But until she was able to do that, I knew we wouldn't be able to make much progress.

To help her detach, I asked her to imagine a small black and white television. Then I instructed her to picture the whole scene again like it was a re-run from the 60's and to look at it from the point of view of being in the audience. This is a technique often used in neurolinguistic programming (NLP) to help people gain an understanding of difficult situations from a safe distance.

When she was done, I asked her if she learned anything from watching the incident in this way.

She nodded yes, and proceeded to explain in a barely audible voice that she was able to see how overwhelmed her boss was. For the first time, she could take in that the way he treated her had less to do with her than with his own problems.

Though she still felt he had been very unfair (and I agreed with her), she now had a different perspective. She was also calm enough so we could craft a response. Together we talked through the possibilities.

Ultimately, we decided she would go to him and say that she knew he was under a great deal of pressure, but that she thought he had been unfair to her in the way he had given her feedback. Then she would recount her difficulties with the last minute assignment, his lack of clarity and the computer glitches.

When she carried out the plan, she was amazed at his reaction. He was instantly contrite and apologized for his behavior. He also thanked her for understanding his situation, and explained a great deal more about the pressures he was under.

The whole situation turned into a real boon for Angela. Afterward she felt much closer to her boss than she had before. In addition, he continued to give her insight into the bigger picture of what was happening in the company. This helped her do her job better.

How did Angela accomplish this feat of going from angry, scared and hurt to forging a closer bond with her boss?

The critical change came from being able to detach enough from her own painful experience to develop a broader perspective and some objectivity. This enabled her to see how his being overwhelmed led to his treating her unfairly. She then broke the cycle of negativity between them by leading with empathy instead of with defensiveness when she confronted him. And that laid the groundwork for a positive working relationship in the future.

The moral of the story is this: The best way to deal with criticism is to start by de-personalizing it. The black and white TV is a useful technique for doing that. But however you do it, objectivity lies at the heart of a constructive response.

Anna Navarro is the founder of Work Transitions, a nationwide career consulting firm that trains independent career strategists and consults with individual clients.

This column was originally published by the St. Louis Business Journal. The actual title of the column and date in which it appeared in the Business Journal may be slightly different from what appears on WorkTransitions.com.